According to common lore, the most magical time of the year is right around the corner. Soon, families and friends will gather together to enjoy cherished holiday traditions, warm themselves by the fire, and imbibe in the numerous delicacies of the season.
And yet, with this embarrassment of riches, many of us will feel unbearably stressed rather than full of cheer. Could too many commitments be contributing to our holiday stress?
NAVIGATING THE DELUGE OF Holiday Requests
If you’re someone who has trouble saying “no” because you worry it might hurt someone’s feelings, don’t want to run the risk of incurring anger or rejection, or feel guilty when you say “no,” then you may end up creating an even more challenging holiday season than necessary. When saying “no,” honesty and respect will go a long way. It’s important to thank the person for her request, which will demonstrate gratitude and acknowledge her effort in reaching out. Use “I” statements to express your limitations during this busy season. And offer alternative solutions or suggestions to requests such as:
“Could you bring two dozen of your delicious Christmas cookies to our holiday party?”
“Do you have room for four more at your New Year’s Eve dinner?”
“You always know how to choose exactly the right gift. Won’t you help me pick out my holiday presents?’
“We’re volunteering at the homeless shelter Christmas Day. You’ll come with us, right?”
“You’re so handy. Would you mind coming by Christmas Eve to help me assemble Tommy’s new bicycle?”
Gentle ways to decline with compassion
If your automatic pilot says “yes” to any and all such requests at this time of year, then I hope you’ll consider using some of the following strategies. They’re designed to preserve your relationships, as well as your peace of mind—and incidentally, these options will work all year round!
Delay your answer. Before you respond, take a day to think about the request and how it fits in with your current commitments. If you can’t sleep on it, at least take the time to think through the request before answering. The best way to do this is by memorizing a few phrases, such as:
“I need to check my calendar; I’ll get back to you.”
“I apologize, but I’m unable to take on any more commitments at the moment.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m unable to commit to that right now.”
“Let me check with my husband/wife/partner to see if we’re free that day.”
“I’ve got to give this some thought, but I’ll let you know tomorrow.”
Don’t turn these statements into questions, but rather be assertive and pleasant.
Explain why, but briefly. State your reason for refusing the request, but don’t go on about it. Elaborate justifications or explanations may sound dishonest or create an opening for a different approach that might get you to say “yes.” Consider using the word “because,” as research has shown that makes people inclined to agree with you. It helps soften your refusal.
Reference your commitment to other people. If your friend asks you to volunteer on a specific day, just mention that you would be letting down other people to whom you’ve already made a commitment, and you don’t have the availability to meet both requests. Express your regret, and thank the person for thinking of you.
Offer an alternative. If a friend asks you to spend a day helping to pick out the perfect Christmas presents for her family, you could respond by offering to spend an hour shopping online with her or in the stores for one or two hours. Or, you might tell her you regret not having the time to help her but that you’re happy to send her links to your favorite online websites. You want to be helpful and avoid being defensive or overly apologetic.
Empathize. Sometimes, validation is all someone needs. For the friend who wants your help assembling his son’s bike on Christmas Eve, for example, consider saying something such as, “I can imagine how frustrating it must be to struggle to put something together when that’s not your forte. That’s how I feel when someone asks me to hang pictures on the wall. I wish I could help, but my family will be arriving Christmas Eve.”
If you’re used to saying “yes,” expect to feel uncomfortable the first few times you say “no.” You’ll find that it gets easier every time you say “no.” When you’re thoughtful, considerate, and respectful, your relationships and peace of mind will thrive, even in the face of “no.”
If you’d like personalized support, don't hesitate to get in touch with me at sandy@sculptyourhealth.com. I’m happy to offer a free consultation to anyone interested.